The funny thing is that I’ve had physical warning signs for years but nothing that alarmed me to change. That’s kind of how I’ve operated all my young adult and adult life. I did it with homework and reports in high school, waiting until the very last minute to turn them in.

The physical toll that drinking is taking on my body is becoming more evident. I can always tell when I’ve had too much. I wake up with numb toes, patches of purplish discoloration on my legs, and numbness on certain parts of my ankles. Sometimes my fingers will tingle and my toes are starting to turn a bluish color. That’s just the beginning of it.

While I am seeing a lot of progress in the weight loss department (I’ve lost 50 pounds) but blood glucose and blood pressure are still way too high. Fasting helps, at least when I make good food choices when I break the fast and keep my alcohol consumption down to a dull roar.

The walks help me to think but the routine of the List has saved me more times than not from going over the edge into a and full-blown case of the Fuck Its. And if there is anything I’ve learned about myself, it’s the Fuck Its that take me to some dark places.

Today, was a good day. I’m going to try and make tomorrow the same. I promise I’ll write more in the weeks to come, but for now, this is all I am willing to talk about right now. I’m in a very fragile place with my health concerns and getting my thermostat fixed and working again.

The alcohol got pretty bad there for a second. It was to the point where at certain times of the day I could feel my body demanding I hang out with the drink. Some days we just hung out all day. The physical ruin that was happening to my body was one thing, but the mental-emotional toll was completely another. I think that actually the worst part for me. How ashamed I am that I can’t seem to understand how to get away from the habit. or addiction. Whichever you prefer. I’ve done it before.

Tracking food just sucks and it makes me feel like I’m on a diet. Diets don’t work. I don’t want to be in that mindset. There’s a book I’m listening to, on my walks, called “Fast. Feast. Repeat.”, that makes a ton of sense when it comes to fasting. I really like the author’s take on what fasting is and the idea of a “clean fast” and “delay don’t deny.”

I’ve realized that when I don’t have some sort of routine in my life it’s not a good thing. The Stoics believed that routine is one of the key virtues of life. To have discipline and consistency give you more balance, and more balance leads to what they call “Eudaimonia” commonly translated as 'happiness' or 'welfare'.

I wouldn’t say I’m at total peace with my life. I don’t know that I ever want that. I think a healthy amount of stress and tension is what keeps me going. The keyword being healthy. I think I need to go on a ride this weekend if the weather allows.

The fact that we hired two new people that started yesterday filled me with joy and dread. Joy in the fact that we have these new people to help us grow as a company and to give them opportunities to grow professionally. Dread in the fact that that is two more livelihoods I’m responsible for.