And, like that banner, I want to shout to the world "Hey! Goddam it! I am still here. I haven't given up! I am doing something to change my life!" That’s what I’m screaming on the inside. Unfortunately, the outside tells the world a different story. 

If you look at a map of the world, Hawaii is one of the most isolated spots on the planet. It looks like it is literally in the middle of nowhere. There isn’t another land mass for thousands of miles in all directions from its shores.

In my nine year old mind all cocoons produced beautifully colorful butterflies. What finally emerged was not what I expected, at all. While you would think I would have been disappointed by the brown gray moth I had watched, for what seemed like and eternity. But, I wasn’t.

The fact that I’m having these struggles and doubts about my ability to get to work, is inevitable. It’s not the first time I’ve felt this way and it won't be the last.

Wandering through desolate streets, skies gray, cold days, my unwanted cargo of excess and excuses, weigh heavy on my shoulders. My feet shuffle slowly beneath the weight, moments and missed opportunities passing by at the speed of life. 

They had to set their life on fire too, but in a very different way than me. My fire drill was because I was mourning the loss of something. Their path was a concerted effort to set their lives on fire with the very specific idea of burning it to the ground and then rising, Phoenix like, from the ashes to start over.

She always pushed me to be the best that I could be. It was through her example, that I learned that the only limits I have in my life, are the ones I shackle myself with. She couldn’t change her fate. But I can. I really need to get this health thing right this time. So, I will visit that little part of her inside me. That’s how I will remember her.

I don’t ever remember binging on anything like that before then, but I certainly have done it since. Right up to this very day. As I look back, I can site several frenzied examples that involve consumption of food on that scale. I still didn’t see it. I wish I had recognized it before the next story I am about to tell you. It would have saved me a lot of money and damage to my soul.

At the time, I was going through a very weird and mind numbing situation, that could have quite literally killed me. I was heavily using drugs (mostly Cocaine) and as a result I was up all night binge drinking and chain smoking. Make no mistake, Cocaine is one hell of a drug.

I feel like I’m the Greek King Sisyphus, who was punished by the gods for being a dick. He was forced to roll a boulder up to the top of a mountain, only for it to roll back down, causing him to have to start over again. The shitty thing is… I am not a dick.